One Woman’s Journey

One Woman’s Journey Through Sexual Pain

Cindy’s story

In my single life I had received national media attention on my stance on sexual purity. I was featured on national magazines, newspapers and television and spoke to youth on ‘saving sex.’ As a former fashion model the media thought that is was interesting that I would not be having sex. I enjoyed speaking in high schools and youth groups. I would encourage them to respect themselves and to consider waiting for their future spouse. I practiced what I preached. I lived it out. Purity was my hearts desire (and a longing to be married to my Mr. Right).

In my mid twenties I married the man of my dreams who, in his late thirties was a virgin waiting for his bride! What a man! God had indeed blessed me with the fulfillment of my heart’s desire. Our wedding was beautiful, and emotional – a longing fulfilled. We had saved ourselves for each other. I had presented myself as a gift with my bow still attached. His gift of waiting for me, keeping himself for me, meant more to me than the diamond engagement ring. This was a man of great integrity and he was now my husband. My heart was overflowing.

Wedding night.

The urge to merge was not a stranger to me. I was so looking forward to becoming one with him. I longed for him, yearned for him. I had not thought that there would be a problem.

With great expectation and excitement we went to our suite for our honeymoon night. It was wonderful, unfamiliar, raw but beautiful. To be naked for the fist time with another, what a sensation being naked chest to chest. The synergy of two warm bodies making more warmth. Everything was new, even his kiss. Having guarded my eyes for so many years it seamed funny that I now had permission to look to my heart’s content. And I did. His form was not lost on me. I studied every line of his physique.

He was all together lovely.

When the union was attempted I was in shock at the intensity of the pain I was feeling. I felt like I was being stabbed. I was silent in my pain. I did not cry out. I did not want him to know he was hurting me. I thought the pain would end as soon as my hymen broke. It did not break. We tried several times that night, each time I was in silent agony. Each time my new husband having no clue that I was in pain.

The next morning I had to face my enthusiastic twinkling eyed virgin bridesmaids, “So how was it?”

What could I say? I did not want to lie. I responded with “it did not quite work, but that is what we have a honeymoon for right?”

The extended honeymoon was not fun. We must have attempted intercourse hundreds of times over three months. We were both discouraged. All this time we did not tell anyone what was going on.   How embarrassing.   How shameful to admit your private failures.

In fact during our honeymoon time an interview which had been pre-recorded before meeting my husband was airing on national television and I sat there listening to myself declaring with a smile of my face “I will have a good sex life when I finally do get married. Something to look forward to I guess.”

It was awful. It was as if the demons in hell were mocking me saying “Look at you! You can’t even have sex…”

It was a very isolating and humiliating time. Yet I was still going into high schools and preaching abstinence. Somehow I knew God was still good and that we would get the victory one day.

When I finally got in to see a gynaecologist she told me news that I was unprepared for. Up until this point I did not know the problem was solely mine. She told me “You have a prominent hymen, a short vagina and a retroverted uterus. Here are some dilatators. Don’t attempt intercourse for six months. Look at alternative positions. Doggie style etc.”

What? Excuse me? Six months? Are you serious? Thoughts flew through my mind. I was devastated. I walked out of that appointment with my husband and cried. When I finally was able to string a sentence together I said to him “I am sorry. I am so sorry.” What he said next to me I will never forget. He took his hand and brushed the hair from my cheek, looked at me with compassion and said “Cindy, I did not marry you for that.” I was again humbled by this man God gave me.

I began using these horribly cold glass dilators ranging in size. It took me a while to learn to heat them up with warm water first so it was less traumatic. I hated having to use them. They were a visual reminder of how I felt. A dud. The feeling of shame was significant. Shame says “There is something wrong with me.” Having said that, though, they were exactly what I needed.

I did not follow the gynaecologists instructions perfectly in that I did not wait for six months before attempting intercourse. We started trying again within two months. One night I said to my husband, “I feel like if you just pushed a bit harder you might be able to…” Something changed and my hymen stretched just enough to let him in. Tears of joy fell down my face. It did not hurt once he was past the hymen. I laughed out loud. I was so grateful. It was St Valentines day. What a St Valentines day it was. I remember my husband just grinning for three days. I commented on how happy he looked and he said “Yep, everything works.”

So this was a huge milestone for us. I was not completely pain free. Each time we were intimate there were still many minutes of pain trying to get through my hymen before I would be pain free. (I wish I had had the hymen broken by a doctor before marriage or surgically removed).

When I gave birth to my first child my hymen broke. The doctor had to cut away the lace of hymen as it was just hanging there. I was so happy to have it removed. I needed the full six weeks of healing postpartum but things were so much better sexually after having a baby. We had no trouble getting together. Thank-you Jesus.

PAIN AFTER BABY

After the birth of my second son intimacy was painful. This little man had been a 9 pound posterior delivery. I had delivered him without drugs and my body was in shock.

When my baby was six months old I knew I should not be still having pain with intercourse postpartum after this much time, so I got a referral to a gynaecologist. The fact I would continue feeling discomfort for minutes after being touched indicated nerve pain due to such a traumatic delivery and the Doctor gave me two prescriptions. One was a numbing cream to apply to the area and the other topical oestrogen to be applied to the area. Again I was told to abstain for several months.

The numbing cream is not suitable to all cases – mine included as it was quite uncomfortable for about 15 minutes it would burn. I had no trouble with the oestrogen cream. It did not take long before I saw a huge difference. I spoke with my pelvic physiotherapist about it and she was confident that it was the oestrogen not the numbing cream that had healed me. But she did say “I guess we can’t know for sure as you are using both, but my money is on the oestrogen.” She also encouraged me to start having sex again when I feel ready. She told me I did not have to wait that long.

And that is the end of my sexual pain. Sex does not hurt for me now whatsoever.

DELIVERENCE FROM TRAUMA

“As flies are attracted to decay, so the demonic is attracted to injury” Bill Johnson.

The pain and trauma I experienced was amplified by the torment of lies that became part of what I believed. The lies people believe are sometimes so engrained that we don’t know we believe lies.

Some of the lies I believed included;

I was not the gift I thought I was.

I was not good enough.

I was the let down.

I was a failure.

There was something wrong with me.

Many people start to doubt God wants to heal them. And even doubt His love. These lies need to be replaced with the truth of the word of God and what he says about you. Shame must bow is knee to the name of Jesus.

It was an interesting discovery that what I had been through, so much physical pain suffered in silence at the hand of the one I love, a spirit of trauma attached itself to me.

Trauma in the sexual area goes undiagnosed in deliverance ministry so often. It does not fit the boxes of sexual abuse, physical abuse and emotional abuse, yet in all those areas, sexual pain in marriage is traumatic and needs ministering into. When I had prayer for the spirit of trauma to leave me I physically felt it leave. I cried out as it left. It had such a deep hold on me. An involuntary abdominal crunch coupled with pain from my core to my calves as the spirit of trauma released its grip and left my body. It felt so good to be free. I no longer carry it around with me. It no longer defines me. God has made something beautiful out of my suffering.   My crown is covered in pearls.