Lack of Orgasm in Women

The “Elusive” Female Orgasm

Release isn’t just that easy if you’re of the female sect. Even though most men are able to climax without any difficulty, women just aren’t built that way. Unfortunately, not everyone is aware of this important difference.

Any woman can climax – and even have multiple climaxes – if certain circumstances line up: this includes having a caring partner who understands sex and uses that knowledge to help her relax and reach orgasm.

Women need an average 20 minutes of foreplay and stimulation before they achieve orgasm. When women worry about their bodies, sexual abilities or whether their partner is bored, this creates tension and inhibits them from relaxing.

For more sensitive women it can be irritating or ‘too much’ too soon if the clitoris or vaginal area are the first areas to be touched.    Try building up desire and tension before moving to those more sensitive areas.

In the end, there is no real secret or formula to women achieving orgasm. It’s as individual as the woman herself, and when treated as a discovery and learning process, it creates a healthier connection for the couple. With that said, here are some suggestions to help in the journey:

Give yourself permission to be sexual

God created us as sexual beings. There is nothing wrong or dirty about that. He designed human sexuality and called it “very good”. There is a prevalent mindset being passed along some cultures, churches and families that contradict God’s beautiful design. Let’s adjust our paradigms in order to give room to explore our sexuality in a healthier manner.

Have God cleanse you from sexual sin

A number of people carry a sexual history. It’s important to come before God and repent of any past sexual sin. Break any soul ties between you and previous partners, Ask Jesus to wash you clean, receive His forgiveness and recommit your marriage to your spouse.

Perhaps you carry guilt for sexual fantasies or masturbation. If this is the case, bring that before God and have His blood wash you anew.

Build trust and intimacy

Emotional openness builds connection between husbands and wives, so take time to nurture other aspects of your marriage. Keep communication lines open, share your hearts, pray and play together. This will only feed into a thriving sexual relationship.

Believe your spouse loves you

A message to wives: Know that your husband loves you and desires to please you. Trust his heart and eradicate thoughts such as “This is taking too long; he’s probably bored or upset”. Foreplay is not just physical. There’s a mental aspect that’s very important in arousal. Both the emotions and the mind need to be “turned on” in order for you to climax.

For the husbands: be lavish with your words and romancing your spouse. That effort will pay off in the bedroom.

Relax

Let’s face it: it’s much harder to reach orgasm when stress, anxiety, and worry are present–whether physically, mentally or emotionally. Take a bath, light some candles, breathe deeply, meditate, have your partner massage you–engage in activities that will bring you to a place of relaxation.

If you have a fear that you will urinate when you lose control put towels over your sheets and then forget about it.  Relaxation is key.

Discover what you find pleasurable

People don’t choose to orgasm. Achieving climax is a reaction. Finding the different combinations that get you to that place of arousal can be an adventure. But it takes time and some patience. Work out if you like direct touching or indirect touching of your highly sensitive areas.  Many women need to be gradually warmed to desire to have direct touching of their clitoris.  Direct your partner as to what you would like.   There is no harm in saying exactly what you want.  It has great pay offs.  Husbands like instructions and delight in pleasing their wives.

Speak Up

Don’t be shy. Tell your partner what you enjoy and like. Be specific, even. Give directions such as “a little higher”, “more pressure”, “slower” or “a bit faster please”. Feeding each other with specific information will definitely aid in both of you receiving maximum pleasure during love making

Breathe

This may sound silly but breathing plays a major part in awakening arousal. Avoid holding your breath or breathing shallow. Breathing deeply or loudly during sex increases titillation.

Get into it

Passivity rarely leads to orgasm. Arousal usually comes when both partners engage in the buildup of desire–from moving the legs and hips, heavy breathing, soft moaning or other noises. Instead of fighting the urges, surrender to it.

Exercise

Strengthening your pelvic floor muscles by consistently contracting and relaxing them help in climaxing more easily, frequently and intensely. Whether for men or women. So do those kegel exercises!

Take Your Time

As with anything worth it, sometimes easing your way in discovering what pleases your partner is key. Don’t rush the process. Enjoy every minute. Learning what works or doesn’t work is part of the journey. We are all made unique and exploring that uniqueness is part of the fun of lovemaking.

If you are still experiencing some blocks, perhaps take the time to search out the heart. Sometimes the barriers obstructing us from achieving orgasm is emotional–guilt, anger, poor self-image, self-hatred, sexual abuse, relational issues, etc. Talk to a trusted friend or counselor and work through these issues. Internal issues usually manifest themselves externally, and it is important to have God bring healing and freedom to these areas.