Abstinence

Don’t you need experience?

Every person is unique.   Just as there is diversity in personalities and appearances, there is diversity and a spectrum in what people find pleasurable.   In marriage you get to learn the mystery of your spouse.  You may need to unlearn what you thought you knew about men or women as no two people are exactly alike. What one enjoys, another may disdain. What one longs for, another may be revolted by. You don’t need to experience multiple partners. That does not make you a more faithful spouse or more intimate lover.

It is a lie that you need experience. This is a well-rehearsed lie but a lie nonetheless. Sexual intimacy in marriage is a beautiful exploration of each other – learning each other’s likes and dislikes learning how to dance together, work together, and fit together. It is not benefited by sexual relations with other people. It is, in many ways, benefited by being inexperienced.

What if we aren’t sexually compatible?

Sometimes sex does not work the way it should. There are different reasons for that, but there is a protection within the covenant and commitment within the boundaries of marriage to work through difficulties. If there is a physical fitting-together issue, medical intervention can be most beneficial. Women were designed to give birth. The vagina is designed to stretch. If there were a problem in fitting together it is likely temporary.  Doctors are able to help. Read the section on physical preparation for the virgin bride.

Physical attraction in a non-negotiable when choosing a marriage partner. It is vital to have a longing to be together. If you don’t have the urge to merge, that should be a warning sign.

Don’t you need to try before you buy?”

Marriage is not the same as buying a car. I have heard it said the opposite of love in relationships is ‘used.’ There is more to sex than mere skin on skin. The two become one the bible says.   The test-drive mentality is potentially making your partner feel used and under pressure to perform.

How many people have missed God’s destiny due to this idea of test driving?  Some couples’ “try-before-you-buy” mentality would have resulted in them not getting married because things did not work initially. They would have missed out on the fulfilling union they now share and the children they now have.

Covenant love paired with time (and occasional medical intervention) can overcome great obstacles.

One couple decided to have sex because they were engaged and justified it by saying, “Well we are practically married…. What is a few months?” That couple later confessed guilt pervaded their sex life for the first years of their marriage.  Guilt was their silent bed partner.  After five years of marriage, they were finally set free through prayer counseling.. Try-before-you-buy had cost them greatly. They do not recommend it to anyone.

What are the payoffs for waiting?

1.  Wholeness

You have wholeness with yourself and you have a wholeness to give.  This is the undiminished giving of one’s self entirely to another without connection with former partners (physically, spiritually and emotionally).  Imagine what it would be like to be able to say to your husband on your wedding day– “Here I am with my bow still attached. Nobody has ever unwrapped me before”   A man who waits for his bride has tamed the dragon, practiced self-control and proved he is a man. It is a gift more precious to his bride than the diamond ring.

2. Waiting leads to a more faithful and committed marriage

Looking at divorce statistics, most people who wait to have sex until after the union of marriage have far less divorce. Sex and covenant go hand in hand.

 

3. To be free of the worry of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and unplanned pregnancy.

With the rates of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and STDs increasing, the chances of becoming infected are at an all-time high.   Health Canada estimates up to 75% of sexually active Canadians will contract human papillomavirus (HPV) in their life time. HPV is the most common sexually transmitted infection in Canada.

4.  It increases your possibility of being able to have children.   STDs contribute to infertility rates.

Waiting brings you freedom.  True freedom.  Freedom to have the best and safest sex because it is intimate, exclusive, permanent, given wholeheartedly without regret or shame.